Who Needs a Matchmaker?
2022, Steven B. Zwickel
After many years of researching my family history, I found that I am descended from a long line of respectable people. I am very lucky to be the result of generations of men and women who withstood the pressures to abandon Judaism. Knowing that they were strong in the face of adversity makes me feel blessed. My “Ethnicity Estimate” according to My Heritage.com and based on my DNA is
- 81.4% Ashkenazi Jewish (Central and Eastern Europe, including Poland and modern-day Ukraine)
- 10.9% Greek
- 4.8% Italian
- 2.2% Middle Eastern
- 0.7% Iberian
I can understand the origin of the Middle Eastern DNA; that’s where the Jewish people started out, so that makes sense. The .7% Iberian DNA probably came from someone fleeing Spain after the expulsion of the Jews in 1492. Some of those who left settled in Eastern Europe, so that makes sense.
The puzzle I am trying to unravel is how I came to have Greek and Italian ancestry. This fits with one theory about the origin of my family, that we are related to the Kalonymos family.1 The name Kalonymos is Greek and the family is first recorded in Italy in the 700s. If I am a descendant of this family, then having Greek and Italian DNA makes sense. I am guessing that many, many centuries ago my ancestors married gentiles, probably because the supply of Jewish women was extremely limited.
It is curious, though, to think of my Jewish ancestors marrying non-Jewish women who must have converted to Judaism. Nowadays, intermarriage is not at all unusual, but among observant and orthodox Jews it was, and is, still considered unacceptable. For at least the past 400 years, a match with a non-Jew, even a convert, would disqualify a potential mate from marrying a pious Jew whose family was concerned about yikhes (pedigree).2
Yikhes is the idea of increased social standing (and thus increased desirability as a potential mate) based on wealth (often the woman’s dowry), political power (either the man or the woman’s relatives), or being a great Jewish scholar (always the man).
⟝I am repelled by the idea of choosing a husband or wife based upon pedigree. My grandmother actually said to me. "Steven, it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl." I ignored this advice, believing that "Love conquers all." I think most people fall in love and marry because they want to create something special together. But, is it possible for one's parents (who know you and who have many more years of life experience) to choose a better mate than you can? Does "love" cloud young people's vision? Do relationships work out better if the parents choose your spouse? Is it better to take a chance on marrying for love? If they don't choose a mate for you, how important is it for your parents to approve of your choice? What happens to people who deliberately choose someone their parents would never approve of? I have no answers, just questions.⟞
But I am also curious about how these matches were, and are, made. The Shadchen (Matchmaker) was extremely important in making these matches.3 I tried to find out more about the origins of the shadchen and had very little success. I wondered if there were matchmakers around in the Middle Ages, but no one seemed to know the answer. I asked a rabbi about the origin of shadchans and was told that they have always been around to make matches. When I asked for evidence or the name of an expert who could answer my questions, the rabbi drew a blank.
This looks to me like some kind of economics problem of supply and demand. The smaller the pool of possible mates, the less important yichus is. As people prospered and the population grew, they could become fussier about whom their children married. At some "tipping point" yichus became more important than finding just anyone. And that's when you need a shadchen.
From 66-73 CE and again in 132-135 CE the Jews in the Judea rebelled against Rome. These rebellions were crushed and the Jews exiled (or sold as slaves) to other parts of the Roman Empire. The Jewish communities in Italy, France, Spain, and other parts of the Empire were small and isolated. Most didn’t have a rabbi and few had copies of the Torah or Jewish prayer books. Over time, many of them were assimilated and lost all connection to Judaism. For many centuries, the Jewish population of Europe was very, very small. The Ashkenazi Jewish population began in western Germany with 25,000 people—smaller than many county seats in the USA. It wasn’t until the Late Middle Ages in 1400s, when Europe got an economic boost after the “Crisis of the Late Middle Ages” that the population started to grow.4
Before that, I don't think people had a lot of choices, so I am curious about whether they would have needed a shadchen.
In the 1800s, especially as hygiene, sanitation, and nutrition enabled people to live longer and to live in cities, there were more potential matches. When there was a large selection of potential mates, I can see needing the help of a matchmaker to sort them out, especially if you are worried about yikhes. But in the tiny, poor communities where most Jews lived before 1800, there wasn't much to choose from. Therefore, I don’t think the shadchen has always been around. Rather, it is a fairly new invention, designed to cater to those who are status conscious.5
A good book with a series of stories about a small-town Jew trying to find a match for his daughters in the early 1800s is SY Agnon's The Bridal Canopy.6
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1 “Kalonymos” in Encycopedia Judaica <https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/kalonymus>
2 “Yikhes” Freeze, ChaeRan <https://yivoencyclopedia.org/article.aspx/Yikhes>
3 “Shadchen” Wein, Berel <https://www.rabbiwein.com/blog/the-shadchan-686.html>
4 Tuchman, Barbara A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous 14th Century
5 Snobs
6 If you know more about the origin and history of shadchens, please let me know.
