Ask Mr. Advice

“It depends!”

Dear Mr. Advice,

I am studying engineering, but I am thinking of changing majors.
What should I do?

                                  —Puzzled in Madison

Dear Puzz,

It depends.

You certainly want to follow the guidelines provided by the university before you change majors. Do not change majors on an empty stomach. You should wait at least 12 hours after eating chocolate, red wine, aged cheese, or fatty meat. Do not change majors if you are taking medication for a chronic condition or death. Consult a physician if you are a male or female who is pregnant, nursing, may become pregnant, or have an erection lasting more than four hours. Side effects include nausea, blurred vision, blurred hearing, blurred speaking, and blurred thinking.

US citizens should notify the State Department if they plan to change majors outside the country. International students may have to leave the country for 30 days before re-entering after changing majors.

As a courtesy to others, please turn off your electronic devices before you change majors. You may lose rollover minutes if you switch majors outside the service area. Some restrictions may apply. Use majors before the “Sell by” date printed on your transcript. Recycle old majors properly—carry them out to the curb on collection day and place them with required and senior-level courses facing on-coming traffic. 

If you decide to switch majors, take your old major to the no-kill humane society shelter. Do not switch majors in direct sunlight; always wear sunscreen. 

Connect the red wire on your old major to the red terminal on the new major, then connect the black wire to some other part of the university before starting a new major. Shower off before and after you enter the pool. Running and horseplay are forbidden and will get you ejected from the pool area. Do not dive into the shallow end.

If a major has been opened or tampered with, report it to the Chancellor’s Office immediately. Breaking the seal on a new major may void the warranty. Unused majors may be returned within 30 days for a full refund. Re-stocking fees may apply.

Check your rear-view mirror before changing majors. Always wear a seatbelt when changing majors. Put your seatback and tray table in an upright position and turn off all electronic devices.

Close all windows and applications before you change majors. Restart your education by pressing the On button for five minutes until a green or red light comes on. You will need your old password, a new password (eight or more characters, one must be punctuation, one must be a numeral, and one must be a capital letter) with an Admin to change majors.

Changing majors is a personal life-style choice and taunting or teasing someone who has changed majors is considered a serious offense at the university. You must have exact change. Do not talk to the driver while the vehicle is in motion. Stand behind the yellow line. Exit via the rear door. Do not leave baggage unattended.

Pre-heat the oven to 300° F before you change majors. Majors should reach room temperature before changing. The procedure involves a local anesthetic and a small incision that will probably not leave a noticeable scar. Feel for a pulse and check airways for obstructions before switching majors.

After you change majors, you may receive a notice from the IRS telling you to file a form in compliance with subsection 47 (h) 3, explaining why you are letting your family and friends down. Depending on which major you choose, you may receive an annual “Tsk, tsk” Notice from the Treasury Department.

If you experience anxiety, shortness of breath, or trouble sleeping after switching majors, you may be able to use your extra miles to pay for an upgrade to Business or First Class. No part of your new major may be rebroadcast without the permission of Major League Baseball. Help is available for those who can’t help themselves from changing majors frequently. There are support groups in the area that meet on a regular basis. Most of them welcome walk-ins, but certain majors are not a good fit, so call ahead to reserve a table at least three hours before you change majors.

Some of my notes got mixed up before I wrote this, but the advice is certainly as good as you’ll get anywhere!