2022 I don’t want to talk about it

 I don’t want to talk about it

Steven B. Zwickel, 2022

During a stressful time in my life1, with a lot of major changes and decisions needing to be made, some people who were close to me kept asking me for information.

“What’s going on with _______?” 

“Have you decided on __________? 

“Do you know what you will be doing about ________?”

“How is ____________going?”

It seemed every conversation, every phone call, every interaction involved personal questions. They wanted to know everything and wanted me to share all the details. 

Now these people were well-meaning; they really cared about me and they were sincerely interested in how I was doing. But answering their questions truthfully was painful and caused me a great deal of anxiety. I felt that they deserved honest answers and had no way of responding that wouldn’t make me sound nasty and ungrateful.

I was depressed and anxious and I decided to start seeing a therapist. I got lucky this time; many of the therapists I’d seen in the past were clueless, incompetent, or ineffectual. This time was different. I found a man who was intelligent and insightful.

I explained how torn I was when people who cared about me asked questions I really didn’t want to answer. I was sure they meant well, but I felt pressured and stressed. He gave me the best advice I have ever been given: “Tell them you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t talk about it.”

He was spot on, of course. The problem was my failure to set boundaries—limits on what were acceptable topics that would protect me from intrusive prying.

Boundaries are important. If you read advice columnists2, you will see how frequently this becomes an issue3. Boundaries help us keep our private lives private, although there are some people who use social media to tell the whole world to know everything about them. 

Privacy matters. We need to know that we have a safe space where we can think our thoughts, whatever they may be, without being judged. If you let people trespass and cross your boundaries, you can feel infringed upon, feel your privacy invaded, and you may get angry and upset. Sadly, unless you have a good therapist, you may never know why you feel that way.

It’s very hard to set boundaries if you never have done so. New boundaries will change the nature of the relationship and, depending on how other people react to your “new rules”, setting boundaries can actually end the relationship. 

Talk to a good therapist before you decide to set boundaries. Decide how much you want to share with other people before you tell them, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

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1 The circumstances are none of your business and I don’t want to talk about it.

2 Examples: “Ask Amy” by Amy Dickinson, “Carolyn Hax” (“ Tell Me About It”) by Carolyn Hanley Hax , “Miss Manners” by Judith Martin , “Love Letters” by Meredith Goldstein, and “Dear Abby” now written by Jeanne Phillips.

3  These questions are often related to  the millions of “rules” regarding wedding etiquette.

4  I suggest starting with “I don’t want to talk about it.” very politely and firmly. If the other party asks “Why not?” your answer should be “Because I don’t want to talk about it.” You do not owe anyone an explanation, so be firm. If it escalates, you could try, “Because it is none of your business,” but that is kind of rude. As a last resort, say nothing. Silence is powerful, so use it with care, but it may stop  intrusive questioning.