Diversity? Sure, mostly. I guess... { Ageism is insidious}

Diversity? Sure, mostly. I guess...                           

Steven B. Zwickel    

                   April, 2020    

Samuel J. Abrams made some important points in a July, 2019  NY Times op-ed piece “College Grads, Consider Rural Life.” https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/21/opinion/college-graduates-rural-america.html For a variety of reasons, young college grads want to live in big cities, not in the suburbs or rural areas. I taught undergrads for many years at UW-Madison and have come across the same attitudes about life after college he describes.
     I have another story to share. One of the assignments in my senior-level communication course was for the students to research and write a comparison report on three employers for whom they’d be interested in working after graduation. They were permitted to choose whatever criteria for the comparison they liked, so, in addition to salary, cost of housing, and other criteria, many decided to consider “location” for their reports.  

       The UW-Madison has long had a well-deserved reputation for a liberal outlook, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to learn that my students, if asked, would almost certainly claim to be champions of “diversity.” They would insist that they value the contributions of minority group members, don’t discriminate, are unbiased, etc.     

       To help them research their reports, I would demonstrate in class how to use a variety of websites (such as BestPlaces.net) devoted to comparing demographics of different parts of the country, including things like the cost of living, cost of housing, average snowfall, etc.      

       We also discussed at length in class the importance of citing credible sources and how to compare “apples to apples.” These are important skills, especially in an age when there is so much misleading information on line. The goal was to have them learn how to use available data from reliable sources to compare things.     

       The results were interesting and disturbing. When undergrads used location as a criteria in their reports, they often began by explaining that they wanted to live in an exciting “fun” urban setting, which they often described as having clubs, restaurants, artistic venues, and other entertainment opportunities. They followed this by examining population demographics and expressing a strong desire to live where there are more “people my age.”      

In other words, they were saying that diversity is fine, as long as the diverse group consists of 20-somethings. They do not see age as a factor in diversity.
       At the same time, some of them used education as a sub-criterion under location, because they want to live where there are smart people like them!     

       After I read and graded their papers, I attempted to demonstrate to them the dissonance between what they said they valued—diversity—and what they actually considered important—living near people like them. I wasn’t sure if they got it, so the following semester I gave the same talk before they wrote their reports, and the results were quite different.     

       Ageism is insidious, so speak up folks, and don’t let these young whippersnappers get away with hypocrisy!

Walk in the Wild West

Walk in the Wild West                                    

El Paso, Texas

2020

Volunteering to help the children and families at the border - 2020

Volunteering to help the children and families at the border 

Steven B. Zwickel                                     

March, 2020

                                                
Like many people (I think) I was rattled by the news reports and pictures during the summer of 2019 about the “detention centers” the US was operating at the Mexican border to hold refugees. (Yes, they are refugees, not migrants, not “foreign invaders”, not “illegals”—they are people seeking refuge from poverty, corrupt governments, and murderous gangs). 

To me, these “detention centers” are the equivalent of concentration camps—not for killing people, like the Nazis did—but for “interning” them until something else??? is done with them.

• The whole idea of concentration camps horrifies me. 
• Concentration camps holding children is worse.
• Concentration camps holding children in the United States is the most terrible thing I can imagine.

So I couldn’t let this go. I couldn’t stand by and watch it happen. I couldn’t see it as someone else’s problem. I had to do something.

We are not wealthy enough to make big donations to the organizations working to help the people at the border, so I had to find another way to help. We have a large bed of many different types of hosta plants growing in our front yard and that gave me a way to raise money for charity. I dug up some of the hostas and divided them  into smaller plants. Over Labor Day weekend, when my neighborhood has its annual garage sale days, I set up hostas in my driveway and gave away a plant to anyone who agreed to make a donation to one of the charities. They had to send the money directly to the organizations, so I don’t know how much I raised. I gave away more than 70 plants, so if each person donated $10 that would be a good sum.

That felt good, but this situation at the border is personal for me. Too many members of my family were sent to concentration camps and never came out. Three of my granddaughters are Latinas and my son’s partner is a Mexican national. And taking children away from their parents was tearing my heart.

I wished I had a lot of money to donate, but I didn't. All I had was time and a strong desire to help. My first idea was to try to go to the border over winter break—from mid-December to mid-January—to see if I could volunteer to help out. Then I realized that holiday time was probably not the best time to go, so I considered taking a leave of absence for the spring, 2020 semester. Since I turned 70 in December and was thinking of retirement, I decided to retire in January and then I would have time to volunteer. 

I have a law degree (admitted to NY Bar, but have not practiced in many years and have no training in immigration law), an MS in social work, and a diploma in graphic arts/printing. I have taught writing and speaking skills in college and to teenagers in China. I was also licensed by Wisconsin to be a family day care provider. Unfortunately, my Español is not very good. 

On January 2, 2020 I retired after 27 years of teaching at the University of Wisconsin–Madison and two weeks later I was on a plane to Texas. My plan was to spend two months in El Paso volunteering to work for several different agencies. I paid my own way—airfare, hotel, rental car, meals, etc. My trip was more or less successful.

I passed the background check and for the Diocesan Migrant and Refugee Services, Inc. (DMRS) I developed a series of presentations on the situation at the border and what DMRS is doing to help adults and children. I also created a simulation game to demonstrate what happens to people who try to get lawful residence status in the US and wrote a 17-page glossary of terms related to US Immigration. After my return to Madison, I redesigned an informational brochure for DMRS.

I was accepted as a volunteer for Ciudad Nueva Community Outreach Middle School Program but after I got to El Paso they decided that they didn’t need more volunteers. 

I did get to work for Abara Frontiers sorting out piles of donated articles, writing a profile of a staff member, visiting three migrant shelters in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, and participating in one of their border encounter groups. 

I went through background checks and Pro Bono Attorney Orientation, but was unable to be part of the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society (HIAS) program in El Paso-Juárez because they couldn’t arrange for an interpreter. 

Two other opportunities didn’t pan out. I interviewed with Las Americas Immigrant Advocacy Center, which provides legal services to asylum-seeking parents who are separated from their families. The Las Americas volunteer coordinator said they might be able to use me to do intake interviews and to help them create a list of area resources to which they could refer clients. But then I got an email telling me that there wasn't a “pressing need right now for some of the volunteer ideas we discussed unfortunately.” 

Episcopal Father Jose Juan Bernal talked to me about teaching English to people from Central America living in shelters in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico. He was very enthusiastic about the idea, but a few days later, in a phone call, he admitted he was concerned about my safety and he wouldn't be able to work directly with me for at least two weeks. I explained my situation to him, about spending a lot of money to be here, etc. He said he understood and seemed sincerely disappointed. 

While I was in Texas, the University managed to mess up my retirement plans, resulting in an endless series of emails and phone calls between Madison and El Paso. By mid-February I had reached the limit of what I could do in El Paso and, because of the retirement snafus, I decided to cut my trip short and return to Madison in mid-March.

I learned a lot during my time in El Paso and I think I am still processing it. I kept track of where I went and what I did. I sent emails describing my experiences, with photos, to a list of more than 50 people who had expressed an interest in getting them. (An expanded and edited version of the collected emails can be found online at: https://bit.ly/2TCqxGR Please feel free to share it with anyone.)

To summarize what I got from my time at the border:

We don’t know what we want in an immigration policy. Like many other countries, we are struggling to find a rational way to figure out who should be allowed in and who should not. As a result, US immigration laws are a mess and they will remain a mess until Congress does something, so don’t hold your breath.

The immigration process continues to be racist and biased against non-whites and non-Christians. People all over the world consider us hypocrites for claiming to believe in diversity and equality.

The root of the immigration problem is drugs. If Americans stopped craving heroin and cocaine, the gangs that are terrorizing people in Central America would go broke. Without cash, no bribery and corruption, no guns, no caravans of people fleeing for their lives. As long as the people in Central America feel unsafe, they are going to keep on coming.

The “Remain in Mexico” policy is inhumane and has made a humanitarian crisis much worse. People in shelters in Mexico (almost all from other parts of central and south America, not Mexico) are living in dire poverty and have become easy targets of criminals who take what little they have.

Many people have asked me what they can do to help. I have three suggestions.

• The situation of the people living in shelters in Mexico is dire. This is a humanitarian crisis, so consider donating money to one of the groups that is trying to help them. This is a short-term solution; keeping them in these shelters is not a sustainable, long-term solution. 

• The people in the shelters in Mexico and in the US are waiting for judges to review their applications for asylum to determine whether they deserve to get visas. The process is slow—too many cases, too few lawyers, not enough attorneys ready to represent the applicants. Consider donating to one of the organizations that provides legal representation to asylum seekers.

• Vote. Vote against candidates who take a strong anti- or pro-immigration stance—the only way any progress will ever be made is if politicians are willing to compromise. Electing all-or-nothing candidates will result in a continuation of an immigration system that isn’t fair and doesn’t work. Don’t vote for anyone who offers “simple solutions”. They are either ignorant or pandering. Do vote for candidates who support conversation, debate, and negotiation.

Creating a Demonstration Presentation

2019, Steven B. Zwickel

• Purpose 

Demonstrations may have one or more purposes. Some are strictly informative, while others are intended to persuade the audience to follow a particular course of action.

Instructive demonstrations teach the audience how to do something. Teaching means giving student not only instruction, but the ability to think critically about what they are observing. Professional educators know how to prepare lessons so that the audience can become competent at performing a task or running a process. Instructive demonstrations often include extensive explanations of the theory behind the activity. Examples include teaching students how to solve a math problem or training people to craft something.

Justification demonstrations help the audience understand why something is being done. It establishes the rationale for acting and demonstrates the reasons behind the activity. Examples might include a dentist explaining to a patient why a root canal is necessary or demonstrating different conditions that require testing water for contaminants.

Process demonstrations show how something is done. These are usually not activities that the audience members would engage in themselves, but about which they can learn. Process demonstrations may include explanations of the theory behind the activity. Examples would be an engineer describing how a nuclear power plant works or a demonstration of how they make baseballs.

Plan a demonstration with your purpose in mind. What do you want the audience to know or do when your demonstration is over?

︎✔︎Organize information so it explains the process clearly and concisely. Think in terms of a chronological or step-by-step method of development.

✔ As you go through your demonstration, teach your audience how to recognize and to analyze materials and outcomes for their merits and faults.

✔Assuming that there are options, tell your audience about different choices of materials, processes, and tools. Explain the differences so they can understand why you make the choices you make.

✔Alert your audience to any foreseeable problems and safety issues they may need to recognize.

• Outcomes

The most important outcome of a demonstration is understanding. A good demonstration is more than just giving instructions; it helps the audience understand:

✔How the thing is done

✔Why it is done

✔What makes it good or bad

✔Potential problems

• Explaining “Why?” Don’t assume that the reason for doing something is obvious to all. In some parts of the world, people don’t expect to be given the reasons for doing something, but Americans almost always expect you to tell them why. Giving them a reason "Because…" can be a powerful, persuasive way of convincing your audience to accept your ideas. Keep your explanations simple, but don’t insult audience’s intelligence. If you can’t explain why something is being done, you probably should not be doing a demonstration.

• Before you begin: PreparationThink your way through the demonstration first. This can be complicated if you’ve done it so many times you no longer need to think about doing it. For example, if you make coffee every morning, pretty soon you do it automatically, without thinking. The poorest demonstrations are those that are done on the fly, with little thought.

• Organizing a Demonstration: Start with an explanation of what you are demonstrating and why it matters. You can’t assume the audience knows this. The body should be a Step-by-step Process, followed by a conclusion in which you show how it turns out and discuss any alternatives.

• Creating a demonstration

1. List of materials needed for the process. Describe different options. Giving people choices makes them feel more empowered. 

2. List of tools needed and explain what these are used for, where to get them, and what options are available

3. List and define technical terms can be a useful handout to go with the demonstration.

4. Divide process into steps Number steps and illustrate each step during the demonstration. Too many steps will lead to confusion. If you have too many steps, sort them into logical groups to keep it simple.

5. Set criteria for evaluating results Alert audience to things that can go wrong. Discuss troubleshooting and focus on safety issues

6. Choose a mode for your demo 

✔ Live demo (watch me do it)

✔ Video (stop and start if needed). Good video needs storyboards, script, editing.

✔ Illustrated instruction manual should have lots of pictures. Have someone take photos (lots) as you go through the demonstration. Edit and label these for use in the manual.

✔ Handouts (go with a live demo or video).

✔ Workshop (do the demo and have the audience do it along with you).

Problems demonstrating software: 

✔ active window has unfamiliar icons and tiny text

✔ changes are not always obvious

✔ referring to online instructions means switching windows back and forth

Solutions: 

✔ Take screenshot, drop into PowerPoint slide and enlarge toolbar 

✔ Add clear, large labels to icons: Name the tools you are using and define terms clearly

✔  Be consistent with terminology 

✔  Pause between steps (don’t rush!)

✔  Point and move cursor deliberately è don’t wave it around

✔  Print out instructions and distribute as handout so you don’t have to keep switching windows.

7. Creating a “Ta-da Voila!” Watch cooking shows and you’ll notice the chef prepare the dish, place it in the oven, and, without waiting, pull out a completely cooked dish. This is the “Ta-da Voila!”—showing what the food should look like if all the steps are followed correctly. In just about any kind of demonstration it’s good to show the audience what the completed product looks like.

The Ta-da Voila also gives you some protection from Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, will go wrong), because even if your demonstration fails, you will be able to show the audience what would have happened had everything gone well.

Summary

Demonstrations should explain:

✔ How something is done

✔ Why it is done that way (how much theory depends on the audience)

✔ What options (if any) are available 

✔ How to tell if the result is good or not

✔ Problems that may arise and how to solve them

A Communication-Based Model of Leadership

A Communication-Based Model of Leadership

2019, Steven B. Zwickel

I have in mind a model of leadership that emphasizes the importance of communications. I define leadership as the ability to get people to participate in a journey from the way things are to the way they could and ought to be^[1]. The essential elements of this ability are:

• Profound understanding of how things work

• Clear vision of what is possible

• Capable of devising a plan

• Desire to make transition happen

• Ability to communicate vision to others in such a way that they want to go there.

Let me expand on each of these points to explain my theory.

Profound understanding of how things work

Leadership is impossible when those in charge don’t understand how the system works. Organizations don’t exist in a vacuum, so this understanding must extend beyond the boundaries of the organization: a real leader understands both how the organization works and how it interacts with its environment. This understanding of how things get done, of how decisions are made, and of how people come to accept policies is essential. [Albert Einstein^[2]]

Some of it can be learned from reading and study, but a real leader must go beyond book-knowledge to a much deeper, more intuitive understanding of the system. You can read books about how things are done—it’s only smart to understand the “official version” before you can see the unofficial one. A leader must be aware of how both official and unofficial channels work. Being “in the loop” and tuned into the grapevine are as important as reading the memos and reports that constitute the official version of events.

Real leaders learn the rules of the game and they also understand how and when those rules can be broken. [Be Leaderly]

This is where the debate over whether leaders are made or born begins. Some people, it seems, have an innate sense of how systems function. They can look at an organization and intuit how the people and institutions interact. This is part of the gift of “natural-born” leaders and it is the part that most of the rest of us have the most trouble with. 

If you don’t have the intuitive gift, this aspect of leadership means doing research, studying organizational behavior, and listening to how people describe what they do and how they do it.

The mentor can guide, lead, make connections, and give advice, which is why mentoring can be crucial in the development of a leader. A good mentor can help a novice see things that are invisible to the outsider. In law enforcement, a senior officer who acts as a mentor or as someone you can go to for reliable and confidential advice is called a “rabbi.” In American English, a mentor might be called a “guru” or a “career coach.”

Two other roles a mentor can play are storehouse and clearinghouse. A mentor who has been part of an organization accumulates knowledge over the years, like a storehouse of information. Organizations that have a high turnover of personnel can lose all this knowledge and expertise, resulting in employees wasting a lot of time and energy trying to solve problems that have already been solved (or which experience has shown can’t be solved).

A clearinghouse is a place that stores and distributes information, like a well-staffed library. The term is often used to describe a person or organization you can contact to find out where you can get more information. A mentor can act like a clearinghouse, directing others to resources that can help them solve problems.

Clear vision of what is possible

From one’s understanding of the way things are, a real leader can postulate a vision of the way things can be. A real leader can extrapolate from what is to see where the organization will be unless something happens to change direction. A leader who does not have a vision—a view of what could be—is probably just greedy for power.

This is where we separate the dreamers from those who merely want power. There is a time to take action and a time to remain passive. Some overpaid corporate executives feel a need to “do something” even when there is no real reason to do anything (as though they need to be seen to act to justify their bloated paychecks!). 

It is, however, foolish to re-direct the efforts of a successful organization simply for the sake of change. Evidence of this can be found in the bad decisions made by some companies in recent years to enter unsuitable markets or to introduce products for which there is no market.

Many people in leadership positions choose to “stay the course”—to keep the organization on the same track it has been on. This non-strategy is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can leave an organization far behind if management is not vigilant and attuned to changes in the environment. 

Some managers yield to the temptation to let things go on as they have always been because it is easier than making changes and it minimizes the possibility of making mistakes. 

Other managers make changes just to see what their subordinates can do. It’s easier for them to take a risk if they don’t have to face the consequences. Recent history is full of examples of CEOs who made illegal, unethical, egregious decisions and were able to avoid the consequences of their decisions.

Making changes is stressful for the people involved and for the organization as a whole. Some argue that change is inevitable and that workers should stop complaining. But it isn’t hard to find many cases where changes were made for no logical reason and the results were bad for business and bad for morale. Of course, organizations need to change and adapt to survive, but change for the sake of change is a sign of a lack of real leadership. 

Capable of devising a plan 

Having a clear idea of what can be done is worthless if you can’t figure out how to make your dream a reality. A good leader understands how to get from here to there and can plan a course of action. 

There are a differences in leader’s planning styles. Some are “Big Picture” people who come up with grand strategies. They focus on long-range goals and deal with obstacles and setbacks as they come along. Other leaders are “Detail-oriented” and try to plot every move in advance and worry over small details. A leader who spends too much time focused on details is headed for trouble. The problem is micro-managing, which wastes time and keeps subordinates from getting their jobs done.

Good leaders can do both—come up with a grand vision while keeping a not-too-intrusive eye on day-to-day progress. They are focused on their goals and avoid getting sidetracked or distracted. And, they are flexible, not so tied to their original strategy that they are unwilling to adjust their course if necessary. Flexibility is not the same as selling out or giving up on one’s principles. Being able to change course gives a leader far more options and opportunities.^[3]

Desire to make transition happen

Self-motivation is what propels a good leader. It can be based on personal ambition or a quest for power, but to make a dream a reality, a leader has to believe in the goal and have a burning desire to make the plan a reality. That motivation has to be strong enough to overcome any reservations the leader may have. If it is not, the leader will give up at the first sign of difficulty.

Taking on any new challenge is risky, so a good leader has to have dedication—a commitment to follow through with tenacity, even if the odds of success are not good.

This dedication, plus a belief in the plan and the goal, will generate the energy necessary to make change happen.

Which doesn’t mean leaders can’t have doubts; they can and should. But once they persuade themselves of the value of what they are doing, good leaders try not to get discouraged. They keep going in spite of adversity. 

The old saying goes “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” There are times, however, when a good leader knows that any further effort is futile and that quitting makes sense. It’s a shame when a leader can’t give up on a losing plan, so they continue to pour time, money, and energy into a losing cause to no purpose.

Ability to communicate vision to others 

The heart of good leadership is being able to get others to go along with your plan. A good leader can explain, in language people can understand, what he or she is trying to do and why. With carefully chosen words, a good leader can motivate people and persuade them to go along with the plan.^[4]

This kind of persuasive speaking and writing is essential to being a good leader. It helps people see benefits of following the leader, it uses both Intrinsic and Extrinsic motivators. It appeals to logic and emotion. 

It can’t happen if the leader isn’t seen as credible. 

The leader doesn’t need to know all the answers, but he or she should be able to recognize and respond to people’s needs, fears, and values. It doesn’t pander We use the term demagogue to describe a political leader who seeks support by appealing to popular desires and prejudices rather than by using rational argument.

And that’s how you get people to go along with you from Where we are now to Where we could be!

^[1] Successful leaders know how to define their mission, convey it to their subordinates and ensure they have the right tools and training needed to get the job done, according to Colin Powell, former U.S. Secretary of State, speaking at Stanford University, November 1, 2005.

^[2] “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else”. Not said by Albert Einstein

^[3] Effective leaders are made, not born, Powell said. They learn from trial and error, and from experience. When something fails, a true leader learns from the experience and puts it behind him. “You don't get reruns in life,” he said. "Don't worry about what happened in the past." Colin Powell, former U.S. Secretary of State, speaking at Stanford University, November 1, 2005

^[4] Good leaders also must know how to reward those who succeed and know when to retrain, move, or fire ineffective staff. "When you get all these together the place starts to hum," he said. "You know you're a good leader when people follow you out of curiosity." Colin Powell, former U.S. Secretary of State, speaking at Stanford University, November 1, 2005

2019 Time Management Skills: When Values and Needs are in Conflict

Time Management Skills: When Values and Needs are in Conflict

Steven B. Zwickel, 

August, 1991 (rev'd 2019)

Values

As children, we are given a set of values by the adults in our lives. Our parents (and others) teach us right from wrong, good from bad, and acceptable from unacceptable behavior. This system of beliefs about the way things “should be” becomes part of what is called a person's “values system.”

Values systems are very important:

• They give us a moral basis for our lives;
• They offer us ethical guidance;
• They provide us with a standard for measuring fairness;
• They set expectations on our behavior.

The different value messages we get about time management may include:

• It’s only common courtesy to show up on time
• It’s OK to be late even if you don’t have a valid excuse; people will always wait for you
• It’s never OK to be late
• You must never put off to tomorrow something that you can do today
• Procrastinators are unreliable and rude
• It’s OK not to respond to an invitation; people don’t really expect you to respond and something more exciting might come up if you wait
• Invitations require responses; if you say you will be somewhere and don’t show up, that’s extremely rude
• Most deadlines are merely suggestions

Needs

In addition to a values system, we each have our own set of psychological needs.   Needs are not given to us the way values are; they are part of who we are from the moment we are born—they're part of our biological and psychological anatomy. Some needs, like feeling thirsty or needing sleep, are very basic. others are much more complex, like a need for financial security or a need for personal privacy.

When your values are in conflict with your needs, the result may be a high level of anxiety, confusion, and emotional pain. Once you are aware of a conflict, you will find that there are several ways of resolving it. Working with a competent counselor can help. In fact, psychotherapy is an excellent place in which to attempt to resolve these conflicts. It is also possible for you to work things out for yourself. Here is one example of how such a conflict might be resolved:

A young woman from a highly-educated family was in a quandary. When she came home from college after her Sophomore year, she had a long talk with her mother.

"Mama, I’m doing well in school, but it’s time for me to declare a major subject and I don’t know what to do. I know that you want me to finish college and go into some profession, like law, medicine, or teaching. I also know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life cooped up indoors. I love being outdoors. I love nature. I don’t know what to do.”

Her mother wisely refrained from arguing with her. Instead, the two of them went through the college catalog until they found an academic field that involved working out-of-doors.

The young woman's values said: “stay in school. Become a professional.” At the same time, she felt a need to work out-of-doors. Luckily, she found a way to resolve this conflict.

How does this relate conflict between needs and values relate to time management? A person who gets anxious before going out in public needs reassurance and may stall until they get it. The same person may value being thought of as considerate and kind: not someone who keeps other people waiting. The conflict for this person is between the need to feel OK before going out and the value placed on being punctual and reliable.

People sometimes use love-relationships as a way of resolving these conflicts between needs and values. They get involved with a person who represents a polar opposite value in order to have a way of working through the conflict.

For example, had the young woman described in this anecdote decided to go into an “indoor profession”, like law or medicine, she might have a found herself in a relationship with a man who worked and recreated outdoors, even if he came from a dissimilar social background. The relationship would provide her with reasons to spend more time outdoors —where she really wanted to be!

The problem with these relationships is that some people use them to get their needs filled without admitting it. So the subconscious message the chronic procrastinator gets is: “She'll keep me on time”. The high-speed Type-A person thinks, “He'll show me how to relax more.” These polar opposites can drive each other nuts!

Opposites Attract

People sometimes find these characterizations of different types of people and how they manage time—the Jets vs. Horse & Buggys, the Dawdlers vs. Scurriers—interesting (and amusing) because they accurately reflect their own families and love-relationships. Yet the potential for serious conflicts is so obvious that it raises the question of why people with opposite styles get into love-relationships with each other.

The answer is that people use their love-relationships as tools for managing their time. To understand the dynamics of these relationships, we need to look for a moment at some of the psychological factors involved. Some people choose a particular lover because they sense that that person can help them resolve some internal conflict.

Take the fellow who is always running late. He doesn't like being late, but he doesn't feel that he can change the way he handles time. When he meets a woman who is always on time (or even a little early) for everything, he finds her very attractive. If they fall in love and want to have a good relationship, how will they reconcile their different styles of handling time? There are any number of possible outcomes:

• They may never resolve their differences. They may fight and argue over who did what, but they never find a solution. Sometimes he will make her late, and sometimes she will force him to be on time.
• They may sit down and try to analyze their behavior—why is he always late? Why does she have a need to be punctual all the time? They may find that the whole question of timeliness is a symptom of more serious problems in their relationship. It may be that they need to work at being more sensitive to each other’s values. Or they may decide that this is not an issue worth fighting about and choose to ignore each other’s style.
• They may actively work to try to change each other—one trying to get the other to be more responsible, while the other is attempting to convince the first to be less compulsive.
• They may reach a compromise agreement to head off future conflicts. Perhaps they will decide that each will be only responsible for getting where she or he needs to be in a timely fashion. Or they may decide that they follow her time-line when going to “her” events and his when going to “his” events.

Where do you go from here?

You talk about the issues raised by the conflict between needs and values. Here are some questions to get the conversation started:

• Do you think a relationship between people with opposite styles of handling time can succeed? Is it a deal-breaker or can you negotiate to find a solution?
• Can you ask your love-partner to help you resolve these conflicts? What if they say no?
• How can you make changes in the way you handle conflict with your love-partner while still showing respect for each others’ feelings? 
• What happens to a relationship where people can't discuss conflicts like this one?

And here are some ideas for solutions (all of these require open and honest discussions):

• Take separate cars: arrive (and leave)  at different times.
• Discuss what needs to be done ahead of time and promise each other to start at a particular time. Promises must be sincere! 
• Determine how much time each of you will need to prepare and respect one another’s different timelines. No sarcasm; no demeaning remarks or put downs.
• Not every job is a rush job. Find a way to weight the items on your to-do lists so the important stuff gets done on time.
• Agree on a list of what needs to be done, deciding who will be responsible for each task and discussing how long you expect each task will take.

Hardball
Beware those who turn a disagreement over how to manage time into something much bigger. They may be playing some kind of psychological “game” to get their needs met at the expense of the relationship. Some issues in resolving these conflicts that may be games are commitment, sincerity, and maturity. 

• People who are truly committed to a relationship will make the effort to find an acceptable compromise. They have insight into their own limitations—what they can and cannot tolerate—and know that not every issue is a deal-breaker. Someone who is not really committed to the relationship will make no effort to find a solution.
• Sincerity is an issue in any situation where people’s self-esteem is on the line. These are called “ego-involvement” issues and they go to the core of a person’s value system. An insincere promise to solve a problem of this type can be seen as a betrayal of trust and end the relationship.
• People who play games instead of trying to solve problems often have maturity issues. Creating an uproar over something trivial, distorting the main issue so that it becomes a metaphor for something unrelated, or using the disagreement to attack the other person identify the way some immature people handle disagreements. A person who says, “That’s it. I’m outta here.” is merely using the disagreement as an excuse for acting-out behavior.